Tonight's night

...can't sleep, thinking of those three little babies asleep in their beds. Snug warm cozy pajamas. Not a care in the world. Must be sleeping sound not to wake up. Shivers, I am thinking. They must be oblivious. He must not know that they are there. How does he not know. Are there not toys everywhere like in my home. Three babies under 5. How does he not know? Does he not care? What is his purpose? Tears, tears! I want to throw up. I want to hit something! What a stupid idiot to not know!!! What if one of them had woken up the way mine do every night? What if one of them had gone to curl up with their mommy the way mine do every night? What if one of them had heard a strange noise in that tiny sweet home and cried out "Mommy" the way mine do every night? What if....is driving me crazy on tonight's night. I want to throw up! I want to hit something! I want to know something on tonight's night! What time, what time exactly was it. I nurse her around 1AM, was it in the quiet of that time, or 3, 3AM. The stillness of then, I know each hour of the night, when then when,,,, I want to throw up. I want to hit something. What a stupid fool to not know. Three little babes asleep in their beds just the way mine do every single night. With their soft little breaths snuggled in their beds. Not a care in the world. Little sounds in the night "Momma" they might say, "Momma" they might say. Did we not say a word? Did we not get up? Three babes under 5, how did we not stur? How did we not make a noise? How did he not know? I want throw up. I want to hit something. I can't quit thinking on tonight's night.